It's been a long, long time

I know, I've been a bad blogger. Although I have been keeping up with my blogroll and my readers' (all 2.5 of you :) ) blogs, things have been... interesting... and I just haven't been able to write.

I'm a little gun shy because of the controversy of which I cannot speak, but has left me with some serious doubts about my abilities. Despite the fact that the controversy doesn't have anything to do with me and my actions, so I've been told, the nagging doubt still sits there... I know. How self-absorbed am I?

And speaking of self-absorbed, Mr. Pink and I are having a big of a fight. I know he's ill, and it's having a huge impact on our relationship, but there seems to be a fine line between caring girlfriend and doormat, which I'm afraid I'm becoming. But on the other hand, there also seems to be a fine line between selfish bitch and not putting up with said doormating. And I'm struggling a lot with that. After four years, I'm not gonna let the most painful disease known to man ruin things, but things, I think, must change...

And, I've been wondering a bit lately, as the editing part of my life has taken over the way it has, whether I should just focus on that and let go of the writing for a bit. But the thing is, it won't let me. The Prada Bag Princess, which I know won't work for the target publisher, just won't leave me alone. The thing is, it's gone and rewritten itself so that it no longer reads like a sexy version of the M*nsch story, but is something new altogether. And Draco and Alyssa won't leave me alone, damnit, so I think I'm gonna have to finish it.... soon.

Someone asked me once, why I write... and I remember giving some bullshit story about wanting to be better than some girl who treated me like crap in 5th grade. Only it's not that... and hasn't been since probably 9th grade when we finally went to different schools. Most of the way through school, it was to prove I couldn't.... I was one of two who had stories published in my creative writing class' showcase book... There were 10 people with a Playwriting focus at my school in my year. I was one of them. I got into the program with a short story I wrote the night before the deadline all to prove to my parents that I couldn't get in. Showed them, didn't I? :) And since then, I could have stopped writing any darn time I wanted. Only, I kept going back to it. And my characters keep bugging me, sneaking into my head, yelling at me to finish their darn story. And when I'm writing... I feel amazing. I love getting swept up into that zone, into that world that I've created.

I just have trouble getting there... It's like exercise. You know how you whine and bitch about getting on the treadmill, oh, I don't have time, oh I want to watch tv, and then you do it and you feel great and you're on that exercise high and you wondered why you resisted in the first place? yeah. that.

and worse, I'm beginning to think that my resistance to get there is not because I don't want to, but because I'm afraid to. Afraid of failure, that things won't be as good in reality as they are in my head, but also afraid of success. Of proving that I really am good and then having to keep living up to it.
But I can do it. I just need to believe it.