As real as it may seem, it was only in my dreams

A couple of years ago, there was a group of women I spent a fair bit of time with. And then I left the group. It wasn't my choice.

And while I admit to still being a little hurt by the situation and how it ended, I've moved on and I'm okay with it. Or so I thought.

Lately, I've been having dreams about these women. It's never the exact same dream, but basically, they all show up in a completely unrelated situation and then gang up on me, poking fun and making me feel, well, like I'm in grade 8 again and being picked on by the popular girls.

And I realize that these women aren't responsible for their actions in my dreams. My subconscious is entirely to blame. But I wonder what exactly it is my head is trying to tell me.

I mean... this was over two years ago. I don't see these women, ever. I've distanced myself from situations where I could see them (possibly to my own detriment, I admit, but I have a lifetime of being made to feel unwanted, I don't need to willingly put myself in that kind of position anymore.)

I know that the friendship I thought we had was more because we were in this group together, than any sort of bond because of commonality and equal footing and, well, friendship.

So why do they continue to haunt me?

A very perceptive friend suggested that it's because I'm a big softie who doesn't like knowing that there are people out there who don't like me. Which is very true.

A teacher I had in high school once said that dreams give us what we're missing in our real lives... So I'm missing being treated like crap? Being made to feel small and unwanted? Being publicly ridiculed and mocked?

What is up with that? What kind of masochistic idiot am I?

Do I need to try and repair things with these women? Because to be honest, I don't think I'm the one who should be making the first move... or if these are even people I want to repair things with.

Or should I just be spending more time with people who make me feel bad?

Cuz I don't really like either of those ideas.

But how do I make it stop?

Bad blogger

I know. I haven't been blogging in a long time. Although, that's not entirely true. I have been blogging, just not here.

And yet, people still pop by to check in to see me. And I feel guilty.

I guess the big problem, for me, is I'm having a big of an identity crisis. You may recall a few posts ago that I mentioned deciding on a pseudonym... well, not only did I decide on the pseudonym, I started a blog, which is where I've been spending a lot of my time, and I created a website... for the HTML class I was taking. Grade on the website: 100%. Final grade in the class: 99%. Yay me.

So where's the confusion? Well... I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't know who I want to be associated with what. There's the real me...the name that I try not to say over here, or, really, anywhere on the 'net. The thing is, the books that I'm editing? They have my real name, right there on the inside cover. Which is fine, because there are very few people that will be able to look at that name and go, hey! that's Pink.

Except... how I get paid for these books is a percentage of the sales. So, I want to promote them. Because, hell, I worked damn hard on these books, and my first royalty check was $15. And that ain't right. But if I start promoting these books here, then I'm pretty much coming out from behind the Pink wall.

And, had I really thought about it, I would have kept Pink and Lara (the new name) separate. But I didn't. And now it's in a very public place that Pink and Lara are me.

So. I'm not sure how to handle it. And I'm not really sure why it's so important. Who really cares if people know that I'm Pink and Lara and Me?

So yeah. There it is.

I'm still alive, I just don't know who I am anymore.