Nothing really to say

I've been thinking more about the whole fanfiction thing and I think I've figured out what's bugging me about the stories I've read. In the case of Harry Potter, one of the things I like most about JK's books are how wonderful she is at creating this world and bringing her readers into it. Her characters, particularly the main three, Harry, Ron and Hermione, are so fully developed, I feel like I know them as friends.

But then I read these other stories, and these "people" with my friends names, aren't my friends. They don't speak like them, act like them, think like them. So I'm not able to suspend my belief and feel that these stories are about the characters I know. (and let's not ignore the rather huge lack of foreplay before the 'mind-blowing sex' ... )

Hah. I feel better now that I understand what I was feeling.

I'm off to Pennsylvania this weekend, doing a little shopping, getting away from it all with Mr. PinkPen. Have a great long weekend, whether you're celebrating Canada or Independance or both :)

Who the heck was that?

So yesterday, I posted about not feeling creative and wishing I could get back into it, thinking I'd wait it out for the next few weeks, go away and come back and get back cracking at it in August.

Only, last night, I got my recent order from Amazon. I bought Kathleen O'Reilly's The Diva's Guide to Selling Your Soul, because I read an excerpt and it looked really, really good. We'll see. (fingers crossed.) (I also bought the third LKH Merry Gentry book, and a software game that should let me put in my house measurements and redecorate it on screen. Hope that works.)

Anyway, on the back cover there's a small flash about a nationwide author search. Seems Downtown Press is having a contest for a 7,500 word novella and the winner will get lotsa books and be published in an upcoming anthology. (and $500! US!) Cool. 7,500 words, that's only like 30 pages. That's potentially doable in a month (the deadline is July 31st.) I always do this... I see a cool contest and think, I'm gonna enter that, and then I never really do anything about it. Like Harlequin's Blaze contest and Torrid's Twisted Tales, which is an erotic take on the Fairy Tale.

But last night, as return of the migraine loomed, I turned everything off, went to bed early and thought about what I'd write in a 30-page chick lit (or chick-ella). And a song came into my head... The Rolling Stones' you can't always get what you want. By this morning, during my over-an-hour-long drive, I thought about how I could work that song into a story. And in the over-an-hour, I plotted out the whole story, and wrote in my head a good chunk of a scene.

Now this isn't unusual, I always have odd scenes running through my head (tho sometimes it's a scene from Spaceballs) but I don't usually remember it. Today, I got into work, and plopped it all onto my computer. By the time I'd fleshed out the story line and just wrote the dialogue from the one scene, I had close to 6 pages. Then I wrote a buncha paragraphs, and it was 8 pages. 8 pages. In one day! Yay me! I haven't written 8 pages in a day in, well, it's been a long time.

Here's hoping I can keep up the momentum. It's my first go at a first person and at a chick lit.

But all the kids are doing it.

I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs lately, trying to get my name out there, seeing what other people are doing, and I'm seeing a lot of talk about fanfiction. I just don't get it.

People take someone else's story/movie/characters and write their own version of it. First, why not work on your own ideas? It just seems to be kind of a cop out to steal someone else's characters and story line and using it for your own work. Second, well... what I've read, not that good...

Admittedly, I haven't read a lot. And so far, it's all been Harry Potter fanfic... Very graphic Harry Potter fanfic. Now don't get me wrong, I love the HP books. I started reading HP long before it became the "cool" thing to do. My copy of book 6 has been on preorder at Amazon since February. And I'm gonna be camped out on my front doorstep on July 16th waiting for it (and it better come, since I'm leaving for Newfoundland on the 17th!) But how many stories can I read where Harry and Draco suddenly discover that their animosity was a not-so-clever disguise for their burgeoning attraction? Or, and oh, so much worse, the Ron and Ginny stories. The Ron and Ginny very graphical sex stories. Yeah, the Ron and Ginny who are BROTHER AND SISTER.
EW. just, ew.

I mean, Harry, Ron and/or Hermione (or all three :) ) testing the sex waters, well sure that makes perfect sense, and I always wondered if that's what was really going on in the "weeks passed and stuff happened" paragraphs in JK's books. But I just don't see myself running out and writing that story. It just seems kind of like stealing... And quite frankly, my own original stories are too demanding to be written to go off on that kind of tangent.

I dunno.

Then again. At least these people are writing. Which is more than I can say about me. Granted, I've totally ramped up my job search (one more 2-hour drive to work when I leave at 6:30 a.m.!!! and I'm gonna quit, whether I have a new job or not), and the migraine which still hasn't completely gone hasn't left me feeling that romantic, either physically or creatively, but still...

I'm hoping the summer and my two-week vacation in July will help me get, well, ME back. Cuz I kinda miss her.

Same shit, different day

So, it turns out the twitching eyes turned into a full blown headache last week. Which turned out to be a migraine. My first, and one that has been going on for TWO.WEEKS. That's just not right.

Friday, I learned that the Durham region has the.worst.health.care.ever. Let me tell you my day..

9:00 - Dr's appointment. Diagnosed with migraine, given prescription for pain meds
10:00 - Picked up Mr. Pink Pen went to [store I work for] to the pharmacy. Watched pharmacist yell at a customer, and take over an hour to fill my prescription, which a) he told me would take 20 minutes, and b) is counting 20 pills and shoving them in a bottle. Give me a break. And I'm surprised by people hating my company?
12:00 - Finally got home from driving in the bright sun that was killing me. Took pain meds
12:45 - Pain intensifies. Call Doctor. On lunch
1:30 Can't stand up straight, so dizzy. Call doctor again. Doctor gone home with - get this - migraine.
2:00 - go to local walk in clinic. All doctors on lunch, won't be back for over an hour. You're telling me ALL the doctors in an EMERGENCY clinic went to lunch at the same time??!!
2:30 - go to not so local walk in clinic. sit for very long time
3:30 - get in to see doctor who tells me I've had an allergic reaction to the pain meds. But he doesn't want to give me anything for it. Go home. if it gets bad go to hospital.
4:00 - get home still in huge amounts of pain. Wait for 5 p.m. to call my doctor's health group.
5:00 - call health group. told to go to ANOTHER clinic... this is bad. still in pain, and can't walk a straight line.
5:30 - find out health group my doctor belongs to sent me to the clinic's old, closed down office.
6:00 - find clinic's new office.
7:00 - get in to see clinic doctor. Writes me note and sends me to the hospital.
7:15 - get to hospital. See doctor fairly quickly
8:00 - put on IV to get pain and anti-migraine meds.
9:30 - sent home, still in pain, but can finally stand up.

Scary how I had to drive to ANOTHER city just to get proper health care. And disgusting that it took me SEVEN HOURS before someone finally offered a solution to help me.

And things didn't get better. Walked into work Monday morning to be accosted by someone before I'd even set my purse down yelling about stuff that needed to be finished for a meeting that day. Hmmm. let's see, it wasn't done at noon on Thursday before I left for the day and I wasn't in on Friday (see above). We're not allowed to take work home because of confidentiality issues. When exactly was I supposed to finish it? Oh, and the meeting wasn't actually until Thursday. That's FOUR days from the freak out.
THEN, get a call from manager of department I applied to be promoted to. Didn't get job. He told me it was because I don't have contract negotiating experience. (I don't, but I can certainly learn). He told BossLady that I was too confident, and when he asked what people say about me, I only said good stuff. Umm... unless asked what are your weaknesses, which I'd already discussed, who says bad stuff in an interview? Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. So my overconfidence (ummm, have you met me? I'm one of the most insecure, non-confident people around.), would make it hard for me to fit in with the team (apparently), but he also told BossLady that if another job opened up in the dept, I should totally apply (Uhhh... why would I fit in in another job, but not this one?)

I don't get my company. Seriously. They talk this crap about hiring from within, and yet, it seems every job they go to an outside source. I mean, even my own job that I have now, there was a writer in another dept. who wanted it and didn't get it. And one of my friends who's been doing her job for EIGHT YEARS (yikes!) applied to a job that's an extension of her job, and lost it to, you guessed it, an outside person.

Just plain yeeesh.

She's Got Style, She's Got Grace

I had an interesting conversation with Mr. Pink Pen last night. We'd been talking about my frustration with my job situation and the fact that I'm sure I should be doing more with my life. And he said that I'm a lot more ambitious and stronger than he is, and in fact than most people. His main reasoning is that I've stuck it out for almost a year in my job, despite the commute from hell, despite the fact that it completely lacks challenge, despite the fact that I am being completely underutilized in the position... Had it been him, he would have quit months ago and found a job not in his field just to get rid of the commute.

The thing is, I don't really see that as "strength". Sure, I've stuck it out, but let's not ignore the fact that I've been looking for a new job for more than six months now. Sure, I'm looking for something in my field, and something that pays more than I make now, and something that doesn't require me to work 50 hours a week every day (overtime when necessary is one thing, it comes with the territory, but to demand a 10 hour day? yikes!), and I've been a little fussy about what I'll do next. But I do that mostly because to change fields now... I wouldn't have a clue what I could do. Really. I mean what kind of skills do I have? I have a degree in Theatre Production, but being almost ten years out of the theatre, I wouldn't have a hope in hell of jumping back in and knowing what to do. And my diploma in book and magazine publishing really only qualifies me to do what I do now. I'm not a very good graphic artist, I'm definitely not a salesperson, so that leaves writing and editing.
Kinda makes me wish I hadn't been so stubborn about not taking business and computer classes in school...
Because sure, good communication skills are vital to almost any job, but there's usually more than that... and I don't really have the MORE.
And bottom line? I don't want to do anything else.

The thing is... I haven't liked most of the jobs I've had. Ok, I haven't liked ANY of them. Which kinda makes me wonder what it is I'm doing in this field? Ok, that's not entirely true. I don't like the menial stuff, the proofreading, the checking, the data entry part. But give me a story or article to rewrite... I'm in heaven. Let me write something with substance... now I'm challenged. I just can't seem to find a job that lets me do only those things.

Talk about a rock and a hard place.

But i guess the question is, am I strong? Stubborn? Or just plain stupid?
And what do I do now?

Take this job and...

I am officially sick of my job.

I hate that I'm nothing but a glorified data entry clerk and proofreader.
I hate that people re-write my work, when they have absolutely no concept of grammar or spelling or how to string words together so that they make sense (and don't EVEN get me started on the fricken apostrophes to denote plural)
I hate that the other copywriters are chauvinistic and feel perfectly okay shitting all over my work, but try to comment on their mistakes and they hold grudges and make trouble for days afterwards. ([sarcasm]And I'm sure there's no truth to the lawsuits that this company favours men over women[/sarcasm])
I hate that I have spent EIGHT YEARS trying to get a job at the company I interned for and can't even get a frickin' interview, for jobs that I'm waaaaayyyyy overqualified for.
I hate that I have to spend at least an hour, sometimes two on the crowded 401 every morning to get to a job that I'm sick of.
I hate that people in SUVs think they can just drive into the Echo Hatchback like I'm not even there because they decide they want to be in my lane.
I hate that I'm so consumed with this hate and frustration that I can't get happy, or think about my writing, or anything fun... so much so, that my eyes are constantly twitching and swollen.

All that angst gone to waste.

I can't even believe it.

On February 18th, I spent $11.75 to stupid Canada Post to send Caught (the manuscript that finalled in the Brava Novella Contest) to Kensington Brava via SuperFast Air Mail.

And I chose not to be a pain, so I didn't call to confirm that it arrived, trusting in the sanctity of both the Canadian and US postal services. (Obviously my first mistake.)

Then I started talking to some of the other finalists, who had all heard back a few weeks ago (2 got published, the rest were nays...). And I was still sitting, staring at my mailbox, hoping that I'd get good news, but dreading the worst. So I thought I was being a little paranoid, but I had to check... So I called today, just to make sure it was there, no pressure or anything. Turns out... it's gone astray. I'm not entirely sure if that means it was a post office's fault that it never made it there, or it got there and fell in a garbage can and no one thought it interesting enough to pull it out. Either way, it hasn't been sitting somewhere in the vicinity of Kate Duffy's desk. She hasn't been contemplating my prose, hoping to find just the right place to put it. It's sitting somewhere in space...

I feel like it's been rejected already, and no one's even seen it. This is a bad sign.

And as if this isn't bad enough, yesterday there was a big freak out because the application for the promotion I'd applied for a month ago was also gone astray.

It's like the fates are telling me to give up and just sit at home and watch tv, because ambition is a waste of time.